Thursday, April 17, 2008

Doors or Walls?

If your past comes knocking on your door, would you open the door?

Everyone has a past that hurts. It seems de rigeur these days. The question is not whether you should let it affect you. It will affect you. It will sneak up on you. It will ambush your sleep, and turn your dreams sour. It will pop up in your email box one day, in a place and form you least expect.

There's a reason I don't write about my current relationship(s), or lack thereof. It's because that part of me still hurts - and it hurts more because I've immortalised it on this blog without intending to.

*******

I received an email today, from a person I've never heard of, claiming acquaintance with someone who helped me a lot in California. When I received the email, I didn't know quite how to respond. Some part of me wanted very much to leave this door unopened.

This is the part of me that remembers that no matter how much I love California, it will be inextricably tied to the greatest pain I've faced in my life.

Another part of me wanted to see what lay beyond the door. This is the part of me that wants to see what it is I left behind in California, a glimpse at the life behind I left when I made my decision to stay in Singapore.

I emailed that person back. I don't know if that was the right choice. Time will tell.

*******

Deciding whether or not to go through that door isn't a rational decision. A rational decision is based on sufficiency of information. Truth is, you don't really know what's behind that door. You have an idea. You have a best guess. But it remains a guess, no matter how good you are.

Behind that door could be a monster, a blank wall, or a treasure beyond compare. More often than not, it opens up to a corridor with another door at the end of it. And then, you stand at the threshold again, wondering the same thing you did the previous time, because you are only human.

The question is not whether to open the door. The question is whether you can live with yourself after.

In the end, that is all that matters.

4 comments:

Trebuchet said...

*grin*

You've unintentionally made it look like a game of Munchkin.

Khayce said...

Life is a game of munchkin. :)

-ben said...

Munchin?

wth is munchin?

Anyways, opening doors — in a position which leverages in your favor — allows one to rewrite memories. Everything can be rewritten. Identities are fluid. Memories get hazy. People are eventually... forgotten.

Apocalyptic Wen said...

Mmmm Munchkin. I think the more important question you forgot to ask is "is the XP worth it"?