It's Over Part II

The bar exam is over. It was less difficult than I expected. Of course, this might mean that they will just curve it to higher grades.

I actually feel kind of lost at the moment. All I have is this vague inkling that I need to pack and come home.

Update: To perpetuate a tradition...

*****

He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day
...
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

****

Funny how much this verse reminds me of home. I was first introduced to this from a dear old friend from AC Drama. We ended up in law school together and yet, now we take such seperate paths.

Time is truly circular, and this is the proof.

Bar Exam Minus 3 Days

I am suprisingly calm.

My taking of this exam has been an unmitigated disaster. I have, in the process of preparing for my bar exam:

(1) my laptop crash so badly I can't use it for my California Bar Exam
(2) have to leave a job, because of the stress of everything that was happening

and last but not least

(3) Go through a week of cursing, swearing, crying, angsting and finally, accepting that my wife and I have marital differences, bad enough that she wants to leave the marriage.

I'm done - everything I know, I know. Everything I don't, I can only read lightly to stop myself from imploding from the sheer weight of material.

I've been reading that the California Bar is a psychological test of endurance. Somehow, it looks absolutely pale in comparison to what I've already been through.

I don't know if this will be enough to pass, but I know that whatever happens, it will be in God's hands.

A Hard Day, Knight

In the trail of my own tragedy, another one happens.

Knight of Pentacles leaves us for a better place.

Farewell, good Knight. I am happy for you that you've lived your last days a free man.

And So, It Ends

A week from my bar exam, it's over.

My marriage that is.

My wife and I have been discussing this back and forth for the better part of a month. I can't make her stay. I can't persuade her to stay.

Therefore, I can't stay.

I've made the arrangements as best as I can, and there's nothing more I can do.

I've given it my best shot, and it's not enough.

Update: I've made arrangements to fly back on August 15th.

Making Peace

I spoke to my friend yesterday for the first time in 8 month.

I'm still angry at him. I understand, however, that it's not his fault. Regardless, fault has very little to do with this - he understands what his responsibilty is - to pay me back. I am very encouraged to hear that he has taken 2 jobs to help out with the repayment. He is at least making an effort, which is all I really wanted to see.

I forgot, somewhere in my mad rush to stay in California is how important my friends are to me. Sure, they can be demanding at times. So can I. My friends have my back, I have theirs. Sometimes, its really just that simple.

****

Things haven't been going well since my bar exams started. I've been behind at lot of times for my bar exam review. I've had some significant problems on the home front. My laptop has crashed and I'm facing the prospect of having to handwrite my exam. I've basically screwed up on my part time gig because of having to deal with too many things at once.

I've fought back. I'm speaking with my boss to see if I can extend my probation period to a month AFTER I clear my bar exams, and he sounds agreeable to that. I'm practising handwriting my exams. It slows me down. It also forces me to stop writing fluff and concentrate on what's really important.

There is nothing I can do about my problems on the home front. Ultimately, though, my problems on my home front are not my problems.

I've forgotten what it was like to have my balls to the wall. Now I remember. The world may beat me up, but it will never keep me down. This time I -know- it's me. Every part of me. Especially the relationships that keep me strong.

Besides, nothing annoys God more than a moving target.

A Good Deed

I finally had some time for personal upkeep yesterday. As I was winding down towards the last two weeks of my bar exam preparation, I decided to shave off all the remaining stubble on my head for good.

I must admit I was influenced in part by this. I've always been a sucker for children's charities. I can't join them, and I'm down on my luck, so the least I can do is show some support in spirit.

I've never really been happy with my hair. Fully grown, it is a curly monstrosity that just refuses to be tamed. My scalp stubble feels like velcro. My t-shirt gets caught by it as I am putting it on. My hair is -that- thick. Yet, there are children who would kill for any hair, even mine.

I hope people sign up for this. If nothing else, it reminds us how much hair means, and how little hair -really- means.

Putting the "Crash" in "Crash Course"

So this is what going mad feels like.