Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Pyrrhic Victory

My degree scroll arrived in the mail today. I worked my ass off for it, even though I could have just coasted.  I am supposed to be proud of it. Why am I not proud of it? Why am I not happy?

I spent dinner last night with someone very dear to me, and someone that I am secretly ashamed of meeting because I let her down terribly in her time of need. Yet, there she is, being with me in my time of need.  I should be happy for her company. Why am I not happy?

We spoke last night of fond rememberings in AC Drama. They are some of my dearest memories, productions I literally gave my all to, pieces of work that have imparted a good portion of the polish I have today. Yet, the memories are bittersweet, marred by feelings of inadequacy, of never being good enough. This nostalgia  supposed to be my best memories. These memories should make me happy. Why am I not happy?

For months I've been functioning, and suddenly, last night it all unravels. Why?

14 comments:

Chuang Shyue Chou said...

CONGRATS on acquiring your degree!

Anthony said...

Thanks. It seems empty somehow.

Anonymous said...

hey pui kiah! remember me? we were in the same class at ACPS, brings back memories man! :) I remember Miss Tay used to teach us Mathematics and you were very naughty, and she always ended up screaming at you "Xiao Pang Zi, you better keep quiet or I will throw my exercise books at you!" damn fun man! anyway, congrats in obtaining your degree!

Anthony said...

Pardon me, Anonymous, but I wasn't an ACPS kid. I was from ACJS.

Anonymous said...

hey sorry. you really do look like a younger version of my friend. * paiseh *

- ACPS boy

Anthony said...

Hey no sweat. I've got a pretty common face. :P

James said...

Hi Anthony:
Don't feel empty. "... of never being good enough." Stop being hard on yourself. Those good times are memories that you need to have to move forward. Otherwise you would not have known what's fun and memorable. You are going to have more good times ahead. Congratulations on your degree! You DID work your ass off. If you had coasted, you could have come up empty.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the degree!

Anonymous said...

Of course you are good enough, Anthony!

I'm rooting for you!

You have a great head screwed on and a heart that is genuine. Reminicise, but remember that some of us think you are a fabulous person!

*hug*

Anthony said...

Thank you all for all your well wishes.

I understand that graduation is normally a time for celebration. However, make no mistake - the primary reason I was in the States was to be with my wife. And now...

Linda,

Maybe one day I'll sit you down and tell you my story, and maybe then you'll understand.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the degree! No matter why you wanted to get it, the point is you did... You now have a master's degree! let's hang out when I get back--can meet my boyfriend and show him the hawker food I've been talking about.

Take Care hor!

TOR

Mr Wang Says So said...

Mr Wang will buy you lunch in a restaurant of your choice in Suntec area on Tuesday ... if you are free ... drop me an email if you feel up for it ...

Anonymous said...

*ahem* "Porphyric" victory.

-ben said...

Ello, Ello, Anthony,

CONGRATULATIONS!

BTW, I am back in SG.
We should meet up when you are free :-)

We may have to wear personal locator beacons to find each other in the haze...